I’m going to start this post by retyping a series of tweets I posted earlier:
I’ve been a bit AWOL lately, sorry. Time for total honesty, I’ve been finding life difficult lately and I don’t even know why. I’ve blogged about my experiences lately to try to sort things out in my head. I’ve had limited success with that. I don’t know what to say except I’m going to keep working through whatever “it” is. Sometimes positivity is all that keeps me going but I KNOW that I can work through this, no matter how hard it is now. My point is, we are all stronger than we think we are. Remember that x
I have been struggling for the last 3/4 weeks, it started with my Mam’s health scare a few posts back. I’m not going to drone on about that any more. I bet everyone is sick of it by now! My Mam is fine, she’s back at work and I have accepted that I did the best that I could when I was in that scary situation. I thought that once I had “forgiven” myself for panicking that day I would be able to move on. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened, I’ve found myself stuck in a really strange mood and I haven’t managed to break free yet. I say yet because I know that I will, one way or another. Some people may be against positivity but it’s what keeps me going. I don’t know how I would get by without it!
I lowered my medication again a couple of days before the scare happened. Obviously I did this with prior agreement with my doctor and I will be seeing him at the end of the month to discuss how I’m getting on. Maybe reducing my meds is what started my problem and maybe it isn’t. All I know is I have been feeling unmotivated. I have struggled to blog or tweet about anything worthwhile and I am feeling increasing pressure to produce something. I am racking my brain trying to find the words to explain what is going on with me right now. I can’t find the right words and that frustrates me. I have tried blogging about other things, I have a list of subjects I would like to blog about at some point. But I can’t focus on them, I can’t get into the subjects. Anything I write sounds robotic, forced and fake. In my Little Steps post for September I aimed to start baking again and post the recipes. I made blueberry muffins a week ago, I have the photos and the recipe but I haven’t managed to post it yet. I haven’t made any real progress on September’s Little Steps and the month is drawing to a close. I’m feeling pressure because of that. It is pressure that I am creating, no one else and I know that. I know that although some of you were looking forward to new recipes, you won’t mind if they are posted later than planned. I know you would tell me to look after myself first. I am taking the decision to bin the Little Steps for this month. Maybe I’ll start them again next month, I’ll see how it goes. For now I just need some breathing space, I am releasing the pressure that I seem to have put on myself. The pressure bothers me because I was feeling a similar kind of self inflicted pressure when my anxiety reached breaking point last year. It led to me being put on sick leave and later leaving my job.
I’m seeing this as a warning sign. I need a break and I need to sort myself out. I’m taking a week off the blog and twitter. It might be longer, if it is I’ll check in and let everyone know. Hell it might be shorter, I might be bored stiff in a couple of days! Either way I’ll keep you all updated. You don’t how much all of your support means to me <3
My plan for now is to talk everything through with my therapist on Monday and take a week out with no “pressure”. No pressure to instantly pull myself together. No pressure to post and tweet. I desperately need this time and i will try to make the most of it.