Happiness Project: December

December already?! I know people say it all the time but it feels like this year has flown by! Now I’m onto the first whole month of my Happiness Project. Seeing as I started on my birthday, I only had 15 days in November to complete my resolutions, which were:

• Declutter. I am going to go through my room, my drawers, my wardrobe and get rid of anything thats broken, doesn’t fit or that I don’t use. There’s something very satisfying about decluttering!
• Organise. Everything that I keep will be sorted and organised. Day to day life is so much easier when you can find things!
• Refresh room. My room was redecorated a couple of years ago, there is nothing wrong with it but I think a new quilt cover and a couple of new photo frames would freshen it up. I spend a lot of time in my room, so I might as well make it a nice place to be.

Tick, tick and tick again =) If you missed it in my earlier post, here is the awesome poster I bought which now has pride of place on my bedroom wall.

Moving on, my focus for December is Gratitude. Seems pretty appropriate as it is the same month as Christmas and New Year. I want to remind myself that I have a lot to be thankful for, yes my anxiety makes life difficult but I am more than a mental health condition! I have friends, family, a warm home, a job and hobbies. This month I want to focus on the positives! My resolutions for December are:

• Give thanks. I am going to keep a kind of gratitude journal throughout December. I will write a post each day with a little update and a few things I am thankful for.
• Notice the little things. This also ties in with my gratitude journal. We often overlook the little everyday things!
• Give something back. I want to do something charitable, after all Christmas is the season of good will! I have a few ideas…
• Get into the spirit. I’m going to make an extra effort to be festive and enjoy Christmas and New Year!

Those are my resolutions, can’t wait to get started!

Take care,

Hayley x

A “Super” purchase!

Excuse the terrible pun in the title, it will make sense shortly!

I started my Happiness Project on my birthday and I’m wrapping up my resolutions for November, which are:

• Declutter. I am going to go through my room, my drawers, my wardrobe and get rid of anything thats broken, doesn’t fit or that I don’t use. There’s something very satisfying about decluttering!
• Organise. Everything that I keep will be sorted and organised. Day to day life is so much easier when you can find things!
• Refresh room. My room was redecorated a couple of years ago, there is nothing wrong with it but I think a new quilt cover and a couple of new photo frames would freshen it up. I spend a lot of time in my room, so I might as well make it a nice place to be.

The first two resolutions are done and that left me deciding how to update my room. Its funny how the world works and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes when you have an idea or make a plan, everything kinda falls into place. Last weekend a HUGE home-ware shop opened just down the road from my house! I went down there and bought a new colourful duvet cover. It really brightens my room up! While I was looking around I saw a display of big posters. I started leafing through them and one of them really spoke to me. It was perfect and I bought it, went home and immediately blu-tacked it to my wall. Here it is.

Pretty apt right? Especially with my love of superheroes! So I’m now done for November. My resolutions for December are ready to go and I’ll reveal all on Monday.

Until then!

Hayley x

My Happiness Project

Today is special for a few reasons. Today is my birthday. Today I am going away for the weekend with a friend to do our Christmas shopping and to tick something off my bucket list. Today I am also launching my Happiness Project. When this post is published I’ll probably be on the motorway but I have spent weeks planning this, so in theory everything should still go smoothly!

I’m launching my Happiness Project today because it is my birthday. Happiness projects generally last a year, so mine will start today and end on my 25th birthday. I really want to make my 24th year a great one and I’m hoping this project will help me do that!

All of this started when I read The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin. The idea behind a Happiness Project is that for each month of the year you choose an area of your life that you want to focus on. Then for each area you come up with a few goals or resolutions that you think will boost your happiness. I have spent weeks planning mine and I’m finally happy with them! I’ll reveal my resolutions month by month but here is my list of the areas I will be focusing on:

• November- Personal Space
• December- Gratitude
• January- Attitude
• February- Personal Growth
• March- Express Yourself
• April- Reading
• May- Relationships
• June- Leisure
• July- Body
• August- Explore
• September- Spiritual
• October- Create Happy Memories
• November 15- Evaluate and Review

The monthly resolutions will replace my “little steps” posts, although in essence they are the same thing, goals for the month. We are exactly halfway through November, so I made sure that this months resolutions can be completed in the remaining 15 days. Here they are:

Personal Space

• Declutter. I am going to go through my room, my drawers, my wardrobe and get rid of anything thats broken, doesn’t fit or that I don’t use. There’s something very satisfying about decluttering!
• Organise. Everything that I keep will be sorted and organised. Day to day life is so much easier when you can find things!
• Refresh room. My room was redecorated a couple of years ago, there is nothing wrong with it but I think a new quilt cover and a couple of new photo frames would freshen it up. I spend a lot of time in my room, so I might as well make it a nice place to be.

Those are my resolutions, pretty easy to start with but I only have half a month this time! As well as my resolutions, I’ll be referring to my Commandments. I wrote them a few months ago, after deciding that a full blown Happiness Project wasn’t right for me at the time. I realise now that I was wrong, pursuing happiness is just as important as tackling my anxiety. One effects the other, being happy means I am more resilient when I face anxiety and tackling anxiety helps make me happy. Commandments are principles which we try to live by. Here is a reminder of mine.

My 12 Commandments

1. Be Hayley. I borrowed this one from Gretchen. I admit that I care too much about what other people think, I am going to make a big effort to be myself. I am a bit childish, I recently took up loom bands and bought myself The Lego Movie. Cue strange looks from my parents. So I’m childish, why is that portrayed as such a bad thing? There are worse traits to have! Plus how many times have you heard someone say “I wish I was a kid again”? Exactly.
2. Let it go. This is also on Gretchen’s list but it is on mine for a different reason. It is to do with the song from Frozen. I really identify with the lyrics. For years I kept my anxiety a secret “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be.”  Then suddenly it was out in the open and everyone knew, “Don’t let them know… But know they know!” It is still my impulse to hide my anxiety. I am trying to learn to let my family and friends in, they know now so I may as well let it go.
3. I can handle it. A lot of my anxiety attacks center around me feeling that I can’t handle a situation. Yet when I force myself to face my fear, I usually find that Ican handle it. So now every time I am nervous about a situation I stand in front of my mirror, look myself in the eyes and say “I can handle it!” like a mantra until I start to believe it.
4. Just get on with it. We all have things in life that we don’t look forward to. I tell myself that the sooner I start, the sooner I’m finished. Just get on with it!
5. Take responsibility. A line of The Happiness Project really struck me. “If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” Do I always take responsibility when I should? Sometimes I worry that I use my anxiety. I decided not to put myself into a situation because of my anxiety but was I reallyworried that it would be too much for me? Or did I just not want to and my anxiety was a handy excuse to tell myself to give up the opportunity?
6. Don’t over-think. I over-think a lot. It is a big problem for me, one that I am trying to work through.
7. Little steps add up. There isn’t a quick way to overcome anxiety or any mental health condition. Sometimes it feels like I’m not progressing fast enough. I must remember, little steps add up!
8. Take it in. To quote The Happiness Project again, “The days are long but the years are short.” I want to appreciate the here and now. I don’t want life to pass me by. That is my motivation for overcoming my anxiety.
9. Listen to your body. It knows best! During my recovery I am making sure that I take time for self care and that I listen to my body. If it tells me I am pushing myself too hard I need to respect that.
10. Patience is a virtue. I don’t really need to explain this one ha!
11. Guilt is wasted energy. We are human. We make mistakes. Dwelling on what we could/should have done differently isn’t going to change that.
12. Go with the flow. Sometimes opportunities present themselves or plans will change for the better. Don’t question or calculate. Go with the flow.

I think that covers everything for now! Hope everyone has I great weekend, I’ll be back Sunday evening =)

Take care,

Hayley x

Sudden realisation

In a couple of days I’ll be starting my new project. I haven’t said very much about it yet so I figured I should write a post explaining what’s going on. It started a few weeks ago when I had a sudden realisation. I had just completed another challenge on my bucket list. I knew that I should be pleased but I wasn’t, I felt weirdly gloomy and I couldn’t shift the feeling. I started asking myself questions. I have achieved so much this year, what more did I want? The answer popped straight into my mind. I want to be happy.

I always assumed that if I got a grip on my anxiety I would be happy. I am in a much better place now compared to a year ago. I am pleased with that but at the same time I find myself losing my motivation. Over the last few weeks I have realised a few important things:

1. Reducing my anxiety does help to make me happier but its one piece in a puzzle. Focusing solely on my anxiety won’t greatly improve my happiness.
2. When I feel happy I find it easier to tackle my anxiety. I remember reading once that a person’s happiness and resilience are closely linked. That makes sense to me, when I am happy I am more motivated, positive and able to cope with my fears.
3. It feels good to tackle my anxiety and tick items off my bucket list but it can also be exhausting.
4. My anxiety effects my happiness and vice versa.
5. If I want to be able to keep facing my fears I have to focus on my happiness too as one can effect the other.

A few months ago I wrote this post where I made a list of personal commandments. It was an idea that I took from the book The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin. At the time I said I was intrigued by the idea of a Happiness Project but that I needed to focus on my mental health, not my happiness. I realise now that the two are interlinked so on my 24th birthday (Saturday) I will be starting a Happiness Project. I’m determined to make my 24th year a really good one!

I’ll be explaining more about how it works in the next few days. Have you ever started a Happiness Project? If so I’d love to hear from you!

Take care,

Hayley x

Dear anxiety

This is an open letter to the anxiety that lives inside of me.

Dear anxiety,

You lurk deep inside me, always there but not usually visible to others. I can hide you well, I have had a lot of practise. I was only 14 when you first reared your ugly head but maybe you had always been part of me, lying dormant. At first I didn’t know what you were, I just felt that I had to hide you, that I had to be “normal”. Now, nearly 10 years on, I know exactly what you are but it doesn’t make you much easier. Sometimes I find it hard to separate myself from you and that frustrates me. I’m a person, not a mental health condition!

I hate what you have done to me. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if you had never entered it. But that is fruitless because I can’t change the past. But still I hate you, for several reasons:

• I hate how you make me feel so weak. The fact that I fight you on a daily basis should prove that I am strong but it doesn’t. Over the last year I have taken steps to reduce you. I’ve been mostly successful but this journey has shown me how deeply rooted you are and how much further I have to go.
• I hate that you alienate me from my friends and family. They try to be supportive but they don’t understand, how can they when they haven’t experienced you for themselves? Despite this I pray they never find out for themselves. I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy.
• I hate how you make things that should be enjoyable so draining. Holidays, trips to theatres, cinemas and concerts. I should enjoy these things, I did used to enjoy these things. I still do to a certain extent but it is in these public situations that I fear you the most. Fear can be exhausting.
• I hate how isolated you make me feel. Stupid really, when so many people experience anxiety or another mental health problem at some point in their life. Why do you make me feel like such an outsider?!

But I have some bad news for you. I am stronger than you think! I will keep fighting you, keep reducing you and keep reminding myself that I can do it! You get inside my head and make me think I’m pathetic but I am going to prove to you, myself and anyone else who doubts me that I can beat you! I have low days but I always bounce back.

Now its your turn to be afraid because I am coming for you!

Yours sincerely,

Hayley

Wholegrain Blueberry Muffins

Its no secret that I have a sweet tooth. I also love blueberries so frankly I’m surprised its taken me this long to try to make a wholegrain version of these muffins! All I did was take a recipe from an old cookbook and swap the flour but I loved the taste and texture. I’ve found that wholegrain flour works really well with recipes containing fruit or nuts and these muffins are no exception =)

Wholegrain Blueberry Muffins

Makes approx 12

Ingredients

• 250g Plain wholegrain flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• Pinch of salt
• 100g Soft brown sugar
• 1 egg, beaten
• 225ml milk
• 55g unsalted butter, melted
• 125g blueberries

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees and line a muffin tin with paper cases. Sift the flour, baking powder and salt into a bowl. Stir in the sugar.
2. Add the beaten egg, milk and melted butter to the bowl and stir in lightly, do not over mix. Fold in the blueberries and divide the mix between the paper cases.
3. Bake for 25-30 minutes then cool on a wire rack. (If you can wait that long… I normally can’t!)

 

I love the way the blueberries pop in the oven as they bake! Delicious =)

Take care,

Hayley x

Little steps for October

This post is going to be a little different to other months. Normally I would recap last months steps before I set my goals for October. That’s a bit difficult seeing as I scrapped my steps for September when I took my blogging break. Everything was getting on top of me so I decided to forget about them and try again in October. So I’ve modified last months goals and added an extra one.

1. Try meditation. I’ve always been intrigued by meditation, time I tried it out for myself!
2. Get back into baking. I did start this in September and I plan to keep going. Watch out for some new recipes soon =)
3. Revamp my Anxiety Bucket List. I explained in yesterdays post that I talked to my therapist about my Bucket List. He suggested that I add some things that I know I will enjoy, to make it less daunting. My therapist made made a good point, the things on the list are to help my well-being as well as reduce my anxiety, they don’t all have to be big scary challenges. I’m going to try to make it more fun!

Those are my goals for the month. What are yours?

Hayley x

Seeing things more clearly

So I’m back from my week “off”. First I want to say thank you to everyone who left me a comment or sent me a tweet or DM on Twitter. I really appreciate your support and I did manage to clear my head a bit. I wrote a post earlier about imagination which will be posted tomorrow. It kind of appeared in my head and it was great to be able to write it without a deadline in mind. I don’t know why I put pressure on myself but I do know that it was a relief to step away from that for a while. I did some gardening, a bit of baking (I will be posting the recipe in the next couple of weeks) and most importantly, once I stopped trying to make sense of my feelings, I could suddenly see them clearly. How typical is that?!

As most of you will know, I have been reducing my meds for the last couple of months. When I initially reduced to 30g it went well. I add a few difficult days but I soon adjusted to the new dose and I felt great. Then I lowered again to 20g at the beginning of the month… It hasn’t gone well.

I admit it, September has been a hard month for me. A couple of days after I lowered my meds something happened that scared me half to death. That post is here. It shook me up badly and as much as I don’t want to say it, I haven’t felt right since. I think that it was probably caused by a combination of the scare and my lowered medication but my mood and heightened sense of anxiety isn’t improving. I have my follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday and I am going to ask if I can go back up to 30g of propanalol. I didn’t want to do that, I had hoped to come off my meds altogether but I have to be realistic here. Its not happening. If I lowered my meds again I could be seriously risking my mental health. The dose I am on at the moment isn’t doing anything for me, this is the most anxious I have felt for a long time. I have to go back up, if I don’t it would only be because I want to be able to say that I’ve come off my meds altogether. That would be idiotic and could have serious consequences. I have to get my priorities straight and right now my mental health is number one. I will go back up to 30g and maybe at some point in the future I will try again.

On Monday I was given the date that my therapy will end, 27th October. I have four more sessions. Hopefully I will be feeling a bit more stable by then. I’m determined to make October a better month!

Take care,

Hayley x

Taking a break

I’m going to start this post by retyping a series of tweets I posted earlier:

I’ve been a bit AWOL lately, sorry. Time for total honesty, I’ve been finding life difficult lately and I don’t even know why. I’ve blogged about my experiences lately to try to sort things out in my head. I’ve had limited success with that. I don’t know what to say except I’m going to keep working through whatever “it” is. Sometimes positivity is all that keeps me going but I KNOW that I can work through this, no matter how hard it is now. My point is, we are all stronger than we think we are. Remember that x

I have been struggling for the last 3/4 weeks, it started with my Mam’s health scare a few posts back. I’m not going to drone on about that any more. I bet everyone is sick of it by now! My Mam is fine, she’s back at work and I have accepted that I did the best that I could when I was in that scary situation. I thought that once I had “forgiven” myself for panicking that day I would be able to move on. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened, I’ve found myself stuck in a really strange mood and I haven’t managed to break free yet. I say yet because I know that I will, one way or another. Some people may be against positivity but it’s what keeps me going. I don’t know how I would get by without it!

I lowered my medication again a couple of days before the scare happened. Obviously I did this with prior agreement with my doctor and I will be seeing him at the end of the month to discuss how I’m getting on.  Maybe reducing my meds is what started my problem and maybe it isn’t. All I know is I have been feeling unmotivated. I have struggled to blog or tweet about anything worthwhile and I am feeling increasing pressure to produce something. I am racking my brain trying to find the words to explain what is going on with me right now. I can’t find the right words and that frustrates me. I have tried blogging about other things, I have a list of subjects I would like to blog about at some point. But I can’t focus on them, I can’t get into the subjects. Anything I write sounds robotic, forced and fake. In my Little Steps post for September I aimed to start baking again and post the recipes. I made blueberry muffins a week ago, I have the photos and the recipe but I haven’t managed to post it yet. I haven’t made any real progress on September’s Little Steps and the month is drawing to a close. I’m feeling pressure because of that. It is pressure that I am creating, no one else and I know that. I know that although some of you were looking forward to new recipes, you won’t mind if they are posted later than planned. I know you would tell me to look after myself first. I am taking the decision to bin the Little Steps for this month. Maybe I’ll start them again next month, I’ll see how it goes. For now I just need some breathing space, I am releasing the pressure that I seem to have put on myself. The pressure bothers me because I was feeling a similar kind of self inflicted pressure when my anxiety reached breaking point last year. It led to me being put on sick leave and later leaving my job.

I’m seeing this as a warning sign. I need a break and I need to sort myself out. I’m taking a week off the blog and twitter. It might be longer, if it is I’ll check in and let everyone know. Hell it might be shorter, I might be bored stiff in a couple of days! Either way I’ll keep you all updated. You don’t how much all of your support means to me ❤

My plan for now is to talk everything through with my therapist on Monday and take a week out with no “pressure”. No pressure to instantly pull myself together. No pressure to post and tweet. I desperately need this time and i will try to make the most of it.

Take care,

Hayley x

Ticking off: Go to the theatre

Today I can tick something big off my bucket list. The funny thing is I didn’t know I would be doing this until two days ago. The Lion King is coming to my local theatre. The shows are all practically sold out! I thought I had missed out, as all the decent seats were gone and I like to sit near the end of the row. Its a safety behaviour, I feel calmer if I know I can get out easily, without disrupting other people. The company my dad works for have been helping to advertise The Lion King and out of the blue his company were given some free tickets for the dressed rehearsal! Only a couple of hundred tickets were made available, it was a kind of “warm up” performance before the real shows started. So me and my Mam went =D

I was nervous but I’m at the point now that I know it is just anticipatory anxiety and that 90% of the time I am fine. I was tested pretty early on but I think I handled it well. We had to queue in the lobby (I think that’s the right word?) and it was really crowded. One of my triggers is claustrophobia and I did start to feel uneasy. Luckily I was next to the stairwell that goes to a different part of the building so I knew there was an open space that I could easily reach. If I had been on the other side of the room, up against the wall, I would have been really panicking. There was a man behind me who kept tutting and looking at his watch, we were waiting in this room for about 20 minutes. He helpfully said to his partner “Get ready, when they open the door it’ll be like the charge the light brigade! Everyone will rush forward and squish through.” That didn’t help my anxiety and I silently willed him to SHUT UP! I’m glad to say there was no charging, no rushing and no squishing. When we were being shown to our row, my mam asked the steward if there was any way we could sit on the end because I’m claustrophobic. He kindly found us two seats right on the end, it really helped me relax. Its funny how little things can make a big difference.

The show was incredible! I loved it and I’m really pleased to be able to tick “Go to the theatre” off my list. I feel more confident now about tackling similar things on my list, I think a trip to the cinema will be next! I bought myself a Lion King mug so that every time use it I can remember today =) I’ve been really down the last couple of weeks and I needed this boost. Right now I feel great and I hope it will last!

Hakuna Matata!

Hayley x