The metaphorical staircase

The last couple of days I have had this image in my head of a staircase. Today I had several attempts at drawing it so I could upload it on here but I’m awful at drawing and every attempt went in the bin. So I guess instead I’ll describe it and you can use your imagination.

In this image in my head I’m standing on a set of very steep stairs, it’s a long way to the top. So I say to myself “Can I really get all the way up there?”. After all, it looks so far. Then I turn around and look down, it turns out that I’m already halfway up the staircase, I just hadn’t realized how far I had already come! So I laugh at myself and continue climbing.

Yeah, I know its a bit weird but its appropriate. This week I’ve found myself in a position where I’ve been offered a job. Part time hours and it could be a great stepping stone for me to get “back to normal”, since my anxiety led to me leaving my job last summer. I’ve accepted the job, I didn’t have much choice but I also believe this a fantastic opportunity and it could help me to move forward, I expect to start next Friday. Its since I’ve accepted the job that the staircase vision has been in my head. I look into the future to next week and wonder if I’m ready, can I do it? Then I look back over the past 2/3 months, at all I’ve achieved so far and think “Hell yeah! Bring it on!”

The problem is the “Hell yeah!” attitude doesn’t last. I find myself yo-yoing up and down. I can do it/I can’t, I’m improving/have I improved enough? I’m ready/am I really? You get the idea. I’m excited and terrified in equal measure. When I left my last job I feel like I let a lot of people down, including myself. What if it happens again? What if I let more people down?

But I know its time to get a grip and move forward. I’m a big believer that all things happen for a reason and this job is perfect to get me back into a routine and back into work. It was meant to happen and I can handle it! Or at least I hope I can! Either way I’m gonna find out soon.

Hayley x

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4 thoughts on “The metaphorical staircase

  1. Firstly, congratulations on the job – serious well done deserved there.

    I’d say it is actually good that you’re having mixed emotions about “heading up the staircase”, because it is in-touch of the reality of the situation. By the sounds of thing a few months ago, you would not be this perceptive about it all.

    I will say this, remember how you felt before you went to that concert? Remember how good it felt when you were there? Do you remember how happy you were after it? If not, you’ve got a photograph to bring it all flooding back but something tells me you don’t need that to remember.

    You know I’ve said this before but you’re a remarkable young woman and I admire you for how you’ve handled your problems. In the time I’ve been fortunate enough to know you, any time you’ve “stepped down the staircase” you have always quickly found yourself heading back in the right direction and going further than before.

    Hayley, I know you can do this – I wouldn’t say that if I thought you were setting yourself up for a fall. I believe in you and I hope you believe in you too.

    • Thank you =) I got a bit tearful reading that lol! I’m sure it will be ok in the end. At the moment I feel like a yo-yo jumping between “This is great!” and “Omg what if it happens again?!”

      Sticking with the stairs metaphor, I think it will go 1 of 2 ways, I’ll leap up a few steps or fall and crash back to the bottom. I’m terrified that it will be the latter! But all this over thinking isn’t helping, I’m just going to take a deep breath and go for it.

      Thank you for the pep talk! X

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