The last couple of days I have had this image in my head of a staircase. Today I had several attempts at drawing it so I could upload it on here but I’m awful at drawing and every attempt went in the bin. So I guess instead I’ll describe it and you can use your imagination.
In this image in my head I’m standing on a set of very steep stairs, it’s a long way to the top. So I say to myself “Can I really get all the way up there?”. After all, it looks so far. Then I turn around and look down, it turns out that I’m already halfway up the staircase, I just hadn’t realized how far I had already come! So I laugh at myself and continue climbing.
Yeah, I know its a bit weird but its appropriate. This week I’ve found myself in a position where I’ve been offered a job. Part time hours and it could be a great stepping stone for me to get “back to normal”, since my anxiety led to me leaving my job last summer. I’ve accepted the job, I didn’t have much choice but I also believe this a fantastic opportunity and it could help me to move forward, I expect to start next Friday. Its since I’ve accepted the job that the staircase vision has been in my head. I look into the future to next week and wonder if I’m ready, can I do it? Then I look back over the past 2/3 months, at all I’ve achieved so far and think “Hell yeah! Bring it on!”
The problem is the “Hell yeah!” attitude doesn’t last. I find myself yo-yoing up and down. I can do it/I can’t, I’m improving/have I improved enough? I’m ready/am I really? You get the idea. I’m excited and terrified in equal measure. When I left my last job I feel like I let a lot of people down, including myself. What if it happens again? What if I let more people down?
But I know its time to get a grip and move forward. I’m a big believer that all things happen for a reason and this job is perfect to get me back into a routine and back into work. It was meant to happen and I can handle it! Or at least I hope I can! Either way I’m gonna find out soon.