I have therapy sessions every Monday and something came up last week that I wanted to share with everyone. I have had about 10 sessions and I was telling my therapist (I’m going to refer to him as A) that lately I have found myself feeling frustrated with myself, my family and heck even the world in general! Most of my frustration was centered around my anxiety and my thirst for progress. We talked it through and then A told me that my frustration is actually a good sign, it means that I’m pushing my boundaries and trying to make progress. After he told me this I started to giggle and A asked me what was funny. This made me laugh more and I said “I’m so pleased that its normal, I thought I was just being a moody cow!” A found this very funny and assured me I’m not a moody cow, good to know!
I’ve found myself feeling even more frustrated this week, is that a good sign too? Last night was particularly bad but I was really tired too. I guess I can talk it through with A tomorrow but I decided to sit and write down what is frustrating me. That way I can take my notes with me tomorrow so I don’t forget anything. Plus I can discuss and compare with you guys =)
So here is what I came up with. I’m frustrated with:
- For feeling frustrated in the first place (Arrggghhh!)
- For over thinking everything.
- For not being “normal”. Anxiety sucks!
- For missing out on my teenage years. I feel like my anxiety resulted in me missing out on a lot of “normal” teenage experiences because I was too anxious to enjoy them properly (my prom) or too anxious to go in the first place (parties, clubbing, holidays to Ibiza etc)
- For not improving fast enough. I’m doing well, I know I am but sometimes its like I want to run before I can walk. I try to do too much too soon then get annoyed with myself when it doesn’t work out.
- For making me feel like my anxiety is a taboo subject. We don’t talk about it. I tried to talk to my mam about my anxiety a couple of weeks ago. A had suggested that I took the first step in talking about my mental health with my parents. I was really nervous but found an opportunity to slip my anxiety into a conversation we were having. She walked away. I don’t think she meant to but it hurt. A lot.
- For not being mind readers. I feel like such a hypocrite. If I don’t tell them how I’m feeling then how can they know? But sometimes when it feels like my anxiety is tearing me up inside I think “How can you not see what this is doing to me?!” When I complete a challenge like going back to work, going on holiday or going to that concert I would do anything to hear them say “Well done!” But they won’t because those things aren’t challenges for “normal” people and they don’t know that its hard for me because I don’t tell them.
Note: This is the friend who was the first person I ever told about my anxiety. We haven’t seen much of each other lately because she has just finished her last year of university and had a horrific amount of coursework to complete and exams to revise for! The last few weeks she was very stressed, snappy and distant, which I completely understand! She was under a huge amount of pressure!
- For still being distant. For months now me and my friend have been planning to meet up and go on trips once she finished university. She finished 2 weeks ago and I thought that once the pressure was off things would go back to normal… That hasn’t happened. She is still really distant and seems reluctant to make any plans at all. Maybe I’m just over thinking and getting paranoid but I feel like she is being funny with me and I don’t understand why. We used to be so close and I guess I’m scared that we are drifting apart.
So that’s my list! Have you ever experienced something like this? What frustrates you? Let me know =)