The above song is called “China in your hands” by T’pau. Its an old song, released before I was born. Weirdly I have heard it three times in the last week and when I really listened to the lyrics, I realized they do a pretty good job of describing how I feel right now! This is the best I have felt in over a year, I’m managing fine on my lowered meds (Admittedly with a couple of bumpy days but that’s to be expected.) and I’m daring to fantasize about the R word. Recovery. It feels possible but yet so far away. It makes me feel conflicted. I want to take risks and push myself to keep progressing but I also want to protect myself. I’m in a pretty good place mentally right now. I’m afraid of pushing myself too far. What if I regress? But on the flip side, what if I go too easy on myself? I could be giving up opportunities for growth out of fear that it will be too much for me. In this post a few weeks ago, I noted that my adventurous spirit has started to return. I’m thrilled about that but at the same time I have to be realistic.
Now I’m trying to do an extremely complicated balancing act between my thirst for progress and my fear of regression. How do I find the middle ground between ambitious and realistic? I don’t want to push myself too far but at the same time I don’t want to hold myself back! If I did put myself in a situation that was too much for me right now, if it went badly, surely it wouldn’t be the end of the world? It would be a step back but I would pick myself up again. In my mind I seem to have this idea that if something goes wrong it would destroy all the progress I’ve made, blow recovery completely out of my reach. I know that that is unrealistic, I know I’m over-thinking yet again but its still at the back of my mind, niggling away.
The more I look towards recovery, the more it seems to be out of reach! All I can do is take a deep breath and remind myself of my Commandments. In particular:
6. Don’t over-think
7. Little steps add up
10. Patience is a virtue
Sorry for the rambling! I hope this made some sort of sense… I hope that typing it out will help me sort it out in my head!