Today has been awful. Really awful. Although any day that involves spending hours at the hospital is pretty bad right? My mam had been feeling ill and her chest was really sore. She went to the doctors this morning and they did some blood tests. The doctor marked them as urgent and said they would get the results later today, as he was concerned that my mam might have a blood clot. A few hours later we got a phone call, the result was positive and mam had to go to A&E straight away “to make sure”. I took her to A&E and we were immediately moved to a specialist ward. The whole time I was trying to contact my dad but his phone was just ringing and ringing. My anxiety was sky high and I kept thinking what if my mam is admitted and has to stay here? At one point I excused myself and went to the toilets, where I ended up standing in front of the mirror trying to calm down. I got through to my dad and he said he would be there in about an hour to let me go home because I had to go to work. So me and my mam sat and waited while the nurses took more bloods. Eventually my dad arrived and I raced home with less than an hour to get ready for work. My grandparents were full of questions, which I didn’t have the answers to because we didn’t have any of the results back and I ended up snapping at them. I shouldn’t have but all the stress of the last couple of hours built up and I snapped. So my grandparents went off in a mood and I had a mini breakdown while getting ready for work. I managed to pull myself together and went to work. Boss said I should have texted her and had the night off. She even offered to take the kid to her grandparents so I could go straight home. I said I would rather be babysitting than sitting in the hospital or at home driving myself insane. I can’t stand hospitals. So I worked (I’m still there now) and Dad finally phoned to say mam was allowed home, shes been given some injections to stop the clot, if there is one, they still don’t know for sure! So I’m finally starting to calm down.
I’m ashamed of myself. My mam was in hospital and all I could think about was how it was affecting my anxiety. How selfish is that? I panicked and worried and insulted my grandparents when I should have been reassuring my mam. I kept thinking that I couldn’t cope with all of this when I have just lowered my medication again. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I want to be strong and useful in an emergency but I was useless. Am I too self centred to be able to help my own family in a crisis? I saw a different side of myself today; weak, useless, coward, selfish. I don’t like her.
Tomorrow is another day. I’ll try to make amends.