Yep I don’t have a title for this post because I haven’t got a clue what I am going to write about! Is there such thing as bloggers block? Like writers block but typing rather than writing? Actually scrap that, I’ve got brain block! I’ve been feeling very muddled up lately and I want to blog about it but I can’t quite find the words. I’m hoping that if I just start typing the words will come. I’m also hoping it will help me sort my head out. Here goes…
As most of you will know my Mam had a health scare recently and I took her to A&E. The original post is here if you want to read it. Its fair to say that I wasn’t very proud of how I handled the situation. I barely held it together and I should have been concentrating on my Mam, not my anxiety. I saw my therapist on Monday and we talked it through. He made me see that I did the best I could. The fact that nobody else knew how panicky I was means that I did cope in my own way, even if I felt I should have done better. I felt happier after talking to my therapist about it and I hoped that meant that I would get back to “normal”. I’ve been in a strange mood ever since the health scare and I can’t seem to get free. I’ve felt shakier, more on edge and less in control of my anxiety. I feel wary, almost on guard, I constantly fear that a panic attack is imminent.
What’s changed? A couple of days before the health scare I lowered my meds again. I’m now on 20g Propanalol twice a day. When I originally lowered my meds from 40g to 30g I had a couple of bad days but then I adapted to the new dose and I was ok. I expected that that would happen again this time but the “couple of bad days” has turned into a bad couple of weeks! Is it down to my lower meds, the big shock I had when my Mam took ill or a combination of the two? I’ve felt panicky, tearful and generally unmotivated and I hate it!
So now I have all these conflicting feelings in my head. Have I lowered my meds again too soon? Should I soldier on and hope that now things at home have calmed down, I will too? Should I go to the doctors and raise my meds back up before things get worse? I just don’t know any more. There’s only one thing I know for certain. I’m afraid.
Any advice is welcome.