Seeing things more clearly

So I’m back from my week “off”. First I want to say thank you to everyone who left me a comment or sent me a tweet or DM on Twitter. I really appreciate your support and I did manage to clear my head a bit. I wrote a post earlier about imagination which will be posted tomorrow. It kind of appeared in my head and it was great to be able to write it without a deadline in mind. I don’t know why I put pressure on myself but I do know that it was a relief to step away from that for a while. I did some gardening, a bit of baking (I will be posting the recipe in the next couple of weeks) and most importantly, once I stopped trying to make sense of my feelings, I could suddenly see them clearly. How typical is that?!

As most of you will know, I have been reducing my meds for the last couple of months. When I initially reduced to 30g it went well. I add a few difficult days but I soon adjusted to the new dose and I felt great. Then I lowered again to 20g at the beginning of the month… It hasn’t gone well.

I admit it, September has been a hard month for me. A couple of days after I lowered my meds something happened that scared me half to death. That post is here. It shook me up badly and as much as I don’t want to say it, I haven’t felt right since. I think that it was probably caused by a combination of the scare and my lowered medication but my mood and heightened sense of anxiety isn’t improving. I have my follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday and I am going to ask if I can go back up to 30g of propanalol. I didn’t want to do that, I had hoped to come off my meds altogether but I have to be realistic here. Its not happening. If I lowered my meds again I could be seriously risking my mental health. The dose I am on at the moment isn’t doing anything for me, this is the most anxious I have felt for a long time. I have to go back up, if I don’t it would only be because I want to be able to say that I’ve come off my meds altogether. That would be idiotic and could have serious consequences. I have to get my priorities straight and right now my mental health is number one. I will go back up to 30g and maybe at some point in the future I will try again.

On Monday I was given the date that my therapy will end, 27th October. I have four more sessions. Hopefully I will be feeling a bit more stable by then. I’m determined to make October a better month!

Take care,

Hayley x

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2 thoughts on “Seeing things more clearly

  1. Here’s to October being a better month for you and a lot of others (including me). Hopefully your therapist is working with you on an “exit strategy” or transition plan to work toward you meeting your goals still.

    ((Hugs)) Glad you are in a better frame of mind right now!

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