So I’m back from my week “off”. First I want to say thank you to everyone who left me a comment or sent me a tweet or DM on Twitter. I really appreciate your support and I did manage to clear my head a bit. I wrote a post earlier about imagination which will be posted tomorrow. It kind of appeared in my head and it was great to be able to write it without a deadline in mind. I don’t know why I put pressure on myself but I do know that it was a relief to step away from that for a while. I did some gardening, a bit of baking (I will be posting the recipe in the next couple of weeks) and most importantly, once I stopped trying to make sense of my feelings, I could suddenly see them clearly. How typical is that?!
As most of you will know, I have been reducing my meds for the last couple of months. When I initially reduced to 30g it went well. I add a few difficult days but I soon adjusted to the new dose and I felt great. Then I lowered again to 20g at the beginning of the month… It hasn’t gone well.
I admit it, September has been a hard month for me. A couple of days after I lowered my meds something happened that scared me half to death. That post is here. It shook me up badly and as much as I don’t want to say it, I haven’t felt right since. I think that it was probably caused by a combination of the scare and my lowered medication but my mood and heightened sense of anxiety isn’t improving. I have my follow up appointment with my doctor on Monday and I am going to ask if I can go back up to 30g of propanalol. I didn’t want to do that, I had hoped to come off my meds altogether but I have to be realistic here. Its not happening. If I lowered my meds again I could be seriously risking my mental health. The dose I am on at the moment isn’t doing anything for me, this is the most anxious I have felt for a long time. I have to go back up, if I don’t it would only be because I want to be able to say that I’ve come off my meds altogether. That would be idiotic and could have serious consequences. I have to get my priorities straight and right now my mental health is number one. I will go back up to 30g and maybe at some point in the future I will try again.
On Monday I was given the date that my therapy will end, 27th October. I have four more sessions. Hopefully I will be feeling a bit more stable by then. I’m determined to make October a better month!