Realistic or coward?

Today’s post may be quite long, sorry about that! A lot has been going on and I’m hoping that getting it down on here will help me sort out my head and get a better perspective. I’ve been thinking about moving away from home as a live in nanny and I contacted a couple of families asking for more information. I got a reply from a family living nearly 3 hours drive away and it sounded really good, the salary was very attractive and they live near a huge city, so plenty to do in my spare time. I spoke to my family about it and sent a reply back saying I would like to talk to them some more about the job. I was super excited at first but then it sort of hit me:

  • I would be far away from home
  • I wouldn’t know anyone apart from the family I’d be working for
  • Its near a huge city but I would be living on a working farm in a very rural location
  • I would be over 100 miles away from my family/friends
  • I would have no support system
  • Have I lost my mind?!

I spent most of the night wide awake on the verge of a panic attack. I looked at it from every angle. Realistically I know its too far, too big a challenge. I would never manage it. It could completely destroy all the progress I have made on my MH this year. I am going to turn it down, I know that for me its the right thing to do but still I feel an ache at passing up the opportunity. I wish I was in a strong enough place to do it. I wish I was normal, hah I haven’t been normal for 10 years! But there’s no point dwelling and wishing and cursing my anxiety, its part of who I am and I have to accept that. I have come to accept it over the years but when something like this comes up it still stings. I spoke to my brother about it this morning and he said I shouldn’t hold myself back. We are polar opposites, my brother is so laid back and would happily leave the house with nothing but a rucksack and travel around the world. I wish I could be like him but I’m not and that’s that.

While I was not sleeping last night I also thought about why I had looked into moving away. Simple, there was nothing around here and this exact moment and I wanted to prove a point to Boss. I wanted to show her that I didn’t have to put up with her sh*t, that I could get a job elsewhere. I have been really down about my job situation lately but is this really the answer? Are my motives all wrong? I suspect the answer is yes. I should be looking for something that would suit me, something that would help me further reduce my anxiety. Instead I nearly risked my health and put myself in a potentially damaging situation, why? To prove a point. To get one up on my boss. What the hell was I thinking?!

The words self care come to mind. I said several months ago that I was going to try really hard with self care and lately I haven’t at all. I’m drawing a line, I need to look after myself. So I’m forgetting about moving away, forgetting about proving a point to Boss. I’m going to keep looking for more work but I’m not going to grab the first available thing just because I can. Its not worth it. I’ve applied for a couple of things locally and hopefully more work will become available in the New Year. I might feel like a bit of a coward now but I know I’m doing the sensible thing…

Aren’t I?

Any advice welcome.

Hayley x

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