Stressy sleep deprived ramble

The title of this post says it all really. I cant sleep and I’m feeling really stressed. Once again this has to do with my job, Boss and the sweet kid that I don’t want to upset. When I first started this job in April, it really helped me with reducing my anxiety. Sure I got messed around a couple of times but I loved, the job, the kid and the fact that I had a bit of money coming in again. Over the summer things started to go downhill, you may remember a couple of near hysterical posts back then. Things have gradually got worse since then and now my job has gone from helping my mental health to steadily chipping away at it. The kid I look after has done nothing wrong, it is all Boss. Lying, failing to pay me on time, making things up constantly, I can’t take it anymore! A couple of weeks ago I felt really fed up and when Boss got home I know that I acted more coolly towards her. I wasn’t rude and didn’t say or do anything I shouldn’t have but I wasn’t as warm and smiley as I normally would be. I’d had a really bad week thanks to Boss and that night, when on top of everything else she had got home late, I just couldn’t be bothered to pretend that everything was great. I know that Boss picked up on this. How do I know? A few nights ago kid seemed much quieter than usual, then she asked me if I was going to leave her. I was shocked and asked her where this had come from…

“Mam said soon you might get fed up with me and go and work for another family.”

I tried to reassure kid without saying that I would never leave, I didn’t want to lie to her. She wanted me to promise so in the end I promised her that I wasn’t going anywhere soon but that one day she wont need me anymore.Unfortunately even that promise is one that I know I cant keep, for the sake of my mental health. I am furious at Boss. I didn’t say anything to her but I cannot believe that she would say those things to kid to guilt me into staying! Today I should have been looking after kid but I got a text to say that her gran was looking after her as kid is going away tomorrow with her school for a few days and gran wanted to spend some time with her. I didn’t mind. Then I got a frantic text from Boss asking if I had a rucksack that kid could borrow, it turns out they’ve lost hers. I did have one so Boss and kid came to my house to pick it up. My parents were also there, they know Boss quite well, so as everyone came into the living room Boss was chatting to my parents. Kid came up and hugged me, looking all concerned and asked if I was feeling better. I was a bit confused and told her I was fine, at which point she called over to her mam, “Hayley’s feeling better, she can look after me tonight!” Boss very quickly covered it up and told kid her gran was going to help her pack for her trip.

Just to clarify, there was nothing wrong with me and Boss had apparently invented an illness which she told kid meant that I couldn’t babysit tonight. I’m so angry! Kid was worried about me, Boss shouldn’t lie to her like that!

I really don’t want to upset kid but I have to leave, sooner the better. I have been feeling so stressed, I have been losing sleep and over December I have lost 8 pounds. Not good, especially over Christmas! I have been looking into other jobs but so far nothing has worked out. A couple of times a “perfect” job has came up, I’ve contacted the family and they have decided that they don’t need a nanny after all. Other times I don’t get a reply at all. Every rejection is making me feel more hopeless. I just pray that something comes up soon.

Thank you for reading my ramble. Hope I made sense. Any advice welcome.

Hayley x

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One thought on “Stressy sleep deprived ramble

  1. I think you have to move on. It’s obvious the mother lies about so many things, and I bet the kid knows at least some of the time. All my sympathy to you though, I know with your kind, caring heart you don’t want to hurt anyone…but ultimately you are going to hurt yourself :-/ ((HUGS))

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