Hi everyone! Just to let you know I am still here, pottering about. I haven’t posted in over a month because… I haven’t even got a decent excuse. A few weeks ago I had a very busy week and during that week I tackled a couple of things on my bucket list. The problem is I didn’t make time during that week to post about my achievements and then the next week I was really ill with flu and the longer I left it the harder it was to start. Now it’s weeks later and I’ve got LOADS to tell you guys about and I don’t know where to begin. So to bring you up to speed quickly I figured I would make a list, everyone loves lists right?
Over the last few weeks:
- I ticked “Go to another concert” and “Go to the cinema” off my bucket list. The cinema one was particularly interesting because I was taking the child I babysit and this was the day that I got a cold, which later turned into the flu. So on top of being nervous about the cinema, I also had someone else’s child in my care and I was feeling a bit under the weather, both extra things to worry about! But it went great and I was proud of myself for coping so well.
- I was ill for over a week with flu and sinusitis. I found this difficult because the flu made me very shivery/shaky, which is what happens when my anxiety gets bad. So every time I got really shaky my brain would decide I was having a panic attack and I would have to reason with myself that I wasn’t panicking, I was just ill. I managed this pretty well but it was exhausting! Especially on a night.
- I went to another concert. Yep two concerts in less than 3 weeks! I still wasn’t quite over my flu but I was feeling a bit better. My mam asked if I still wanted to go and I said yes. The tickets hadn’t been cheap and I had been looking forward to it for months. I went but I couldn’t enjoy it properly, I just didn’t feel well enough and by the end of the concert I was struggling to keep my eyes open. By bed time it had all caught up with me, my anxiety went through the roof and I had a very difficult night. I learned my lesson, next time I will listen to my body.
- The job situation has stayed the same. I suffered a couple of knock backs, the worst one was when I went to an interview, met the family, was offered and accepted the job and put the start dates in my diary. But there turned out to be a clerical issue which meant I couldn’t take on the job after all. The family was really apologetic (the issue was on their side) and I don’t blame them for it, it was one of those things that couldn’t be helped but it was still another knock back. I felt really down about it for a couple of days but I picked myself up and kept looking. No point on dwelling on what might have been.
- I have started dating. Its still early days but going well so far and I’m having fun.
While all of this has been going on I’ve neglected my Happiness Project and Book Club. I’m trying not to worry about that too much because it couldn’t be helped but I’m sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I want to continue. This blog has given me the opportunity to express myself in a way that I never could before. Through this site and Twitter I have realised that I’m not some weird freaky outcast, I’m just one of the 1 in 4 people who have a mental health condition and that’s okay. I have made some wonderful friends and I wouldn’t be at this point without their help and support. But on the flip side this blog has caused me to create pressure and guilt for myself. Pressure to post so often or so many times a week/month. Guilt when I miss a self imposed deadline.
So what can I do? My Happiness Project in particular has made me feel that I’m not doing enough or posting on time. This defeats the object, it’s called a Happiness Project for a reason. So I’m just going to admit that right here, right now, it’s not working for me. So I’m going to scrap it and continue working on my bucket list instead. I’ve made good progress there and the fact that I am now regularly going to concerts (at a certain venue, where I can choose and book the seating and I know I can handle the crowds. Little steps!) and starting to go to the cinema again, shows me just how far I have come. Restaurants don’t make me nervous anywhere near as much as they used to and I am so much more confident in my ability to cope with situations that can trigger my anxiety. I feel like I’m finally started to live a “normal life” and I want to push and challenge myself more and more. So I’m going to do that and I’m taking a step back from the blog and twitter.
I’ll still be posting here but it will be more on an “as and when” basis. I’ll be posting when I have something to write about, no more pressure to post on certain dates or so many times a week/month. I’ll still be around catching up with your blogs and I can always be contacted on Twitter. I’ll be spending less time on Twitter too but I’ll check in every so often and if you DM me I promise to reply when I can.
Book club fizzled out during February for several reasons but it will be back in April! Myself, Alex and Rose have an exciting opportunity for anyone who wants to join in with Book Club next month, more details about that coming soon!
I think that just about wraps everything up… So thank you for reading my ramble and I hope everyone understands why I am taking a step back.