I realise that my last post was back in March, an awful lot has happened since then and I just haven’t had time to post. Sorry in advance if this post turns really long and rambly. Here’s a quick list to bring you up to speed:
- I broke up with my boyfriend. We weren’t together long and it wasn’t working out, at all!
- I got a job! Finally =)
- I started working 50 hour weeks for said job
- Out of a sense of loyalty I continued to babysit K (a glowing reference from K’s mam helped me get new job)
- Meaning I was working 62 hours a week (!)
- Now my hours in new job have changed to 38pw which is easier but I’m still working long hours…
In all honesty… I’m finding my job tough. I’m coping with it and I am enjoying it (mostly) but it is having an effect on me. The weekends don’t feel long enough, I’m tired constantly and I’ve lost weight. The weight thing worries me because I lost a lot of weight when my anxiety got really bad in 2013. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this point and I worry about going back to the way I was. Thinking realistically, I know that I won’t let that happen. If my anxiety started to get worse, I would make sure that this time I get help straight away and I would be honest about it. My new bosses know about my anxiety (more about that later) and I’m finding it easier to talk to my friends and family about these things, so I don’t feel so alone with it all now. I’m in a better place and I intend to keep it that way but the tiredness, aching muscles, stress and weight loss need addressing. I can’t prevent them completely because they are a consequence of working long hours but I’m going to try to reduce the effect they are having on me.
But first, here is how I ended up disclosing my anxiety to my employers. While I was searching for a job, I thought a lot about whether to tell prospective new employers about my mental health. I knew that it would put a lot of people off but at the same time I wanted to be open and honest. During my interview I wrestled with myself, should I mention it or not? My potential new employers were both medical professionals, maybe they would understand? But what was I supposed to do, just throw it into conversation, “Oh by the way I have a mental health condition, hope that won’t be a problem?” So I didn’t mention it and the interview drew to a close. They said they had one final question, was there anything either medical or personal that I wanted to disclose to them in total confidence?
… It was the perfect opportunity. I knew that I had to go for it or I would regret it. So I started talking, even though a voice in my head was screaming Is this wise!?!?! I watched their faces carefully, trying to gauge a reaction and they seemed unfazed. They asked me about my medication and seemed happy that it wouldn’t affect my ability to drive or look after the children. Obviously I got the job =) Just last week they asked how I was doing, whether I had been feeling anxious etc, it feels great that I can be open about it!
Now back to my current situation. I need to find a way keep my stress levels down, stop myself from losing more weight and make sure that I have a work/life balance… Not easy when all I want to do in my time off is sleep! So here is the plan for my next post:
- Make a new self care plan. I did used to have one but it needs updating.
- Make a Whole Life Grid. This was an exercise in Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. The idea is to create balance so that your whole life isn’t focused on one area, for example work!
- Revisit the Bucket List. I haven’t looked at my Bucket List for a while. I want to see what I can tick off next!
I will write my next post as soon as I can. I hope to have it done in a few days but I’m not going to set a deadline. I don’t want to put extra pressure on myself. Any comments/advice are welcome. I feel like I’ve completely neglected the blog/twitter lately so its nice to be back =)