Time for self care?

I realise that my last post was back in March, an awful lot has happened since then and I just haven’t had time to post. Sorry in advance if this post turns really long and rambly. Here’s a quick list to bring you up to speed:

• I broke up with my boyfriend. We weren’t together long and it wasn’t working out, at all!
• I got a job! Finally =)
• I started working 50 hour weeks for said job
• Out of a sense of loyalty I continued to babysit K (a glowing reference from K’s mam helped me get new job)
• Meaning I was working 62 hours a week (!)
• Now my hours in new job have changed to 38pw which is easier but I’m still working long hours…

In all honesty… I’m finding my job tough. I’m coping with it and I am enjoying it (mostly) but it is having an effect on me. The weekends don’t feel long enough, I’m tired constantly and I’ve lost weight. The weight thing worries me because I lost a lot of weight when my anxiety got really bad in 2013. It’s taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this point and I worry about going back to the way I was. Thinking realistically, I know that I won’t let that happen. If my anxiety started to get worse, I would make sure that this time I get help straight away and I would be honest about it. My new bosses know about my anxiety (more about that later) and I’m finding it easier to talk to my friends and family about these things, so I don’t feel so alone with it all now. I’m in a better place and I intend to keep it that way but the tiredness, aching muscles, stress and weight loss need addressing. I can’t prevent them completely because they are a consequence of working long hours but I’m going to try to reduce the effect they are having on me.

But first, here is how I ended up disclosing my anxiety to my employers. While I was searching for a job, I thought a lot about whether to tell prospective new employers about my mental health. I knew that it would put a lot of people off but at the same time I wanted to be open and honest. During my interview I wrestled with myself, should I mention it or not? My potential new employers were both medical professionals, maybe they would understand? But what was I supposed to do, just throw it into conversation, “Oh by the way I have a mental health condition, hope that won’t be a problem?” So I didn’t mention it and the interview drew to a close. They said they had one final question, was there anything either medical or personal that I wanted to disclose to them in total confidence?

… It was the perfect opportunity. I knew that I had to go for it or I would regret it. So I started talking, even though a voice in my head was screaming Is this wise!?!?! I watched their faces carefully, trying to gauge a reaction and they seemed unfazed. They asked me about my medication and seemed happy that it wouldn’t affect my ability to drive or look after the children. Obviously I got the job =) Just last week they asked how I was doing, whether I had been feeling anxious etc, it feels great that I can be open about it!

Now back to my current situation. I need to find a way keep my stress levels down, stop myself from losing more weight and make sure that I have a work/life balance… Not easy when all I want to do in my time off is sleep! So here is the plan for my next post:

• Make a new self care plan. I did used to have one but it needs updating.
• Make a Whole Life Grid. This was an exercise in Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. The idea is to create balance so that your whole life isn’t focused on one area, for example work!
• Revisit the Bucket List. I haven’t looked at my Bucket List for a while. I want to see what I can tick off next! 

I will write my next post as soon as I can. I hope to have it done in a few days but I’m not going to set a deadline. I don’t want to put extra pressure on myself. Any comments/advice are welcome. I feel like I’ve completely neglected the blog/twitter lately so its nice to be back =)

Take care,

Hayley x

Moving forward

Hi everyone! Just to let you know I am still here, pottering about. I haven’t posted in over a month because… I haven’t even got a decent excuse. A few weeks ago I had a very busy week and during that week I tackled a couple of things on my bucket list. The problem is I didn’t make time during that week to post about my achievements and then the next week I was really ill with flu and the longer I left it the harder it was to start. Now it’s weeks later and I’ve got LOADS to tell you guys about and I don’t know where to begin. So to bring you up to speed quickly I figured I would make a list, everyone loves lists right?

Over the last few weeks:

• I ticked “Go to another concert” and “Go to the cinema” off my bucket list. The cinema one was particularly interesting because I was taking the child I babysit and this was the day that I got a cold, which later turned into the flu. So on top of being nervous about the cinema, I also had someone else’s child in my care and I was feeling a bit under the weather, both extra things to worry about! But it went great and I was proud of myself for coping so well.
• I was ill for over a week with flu and sinusitis. I found this difficult because the flu made me very shivery/shaky, which is what happens when my anxiety gets bad. So every time I got really shaky my brain would decide I was having a panic attack and I would have to reason with myself that I wasn’t panicking, I was just ill. I managed this pretty well but it was exhausting! Especially on a night.
• I went to another concert. Yep two concerts in less than 3 weeks! I still wasn’t quite over my flu but I was feeling a bit better. My mam asked if I still wanted to go and I said yes. The tickets hadn’t been cheap and I had been looking forward to it for months. I went but I couldn’t enjoy it properly, I just didn’t feel well enough and by the end of the concert I was struggling to keep my eyes open. By bed time it had all caught up with me, my anxiety went through the roof and I had a very difficult night. I learned my lesson, next time I will listen to my body.
• The job situation has stayed the same. I suffered a couple of knock backs, the worst one was when I went to an interview, met the family, was offered and accepted the job and put the start dates in my diary. But there turned out to be a clerical issue which meant I couldn’t take on the job after all. The family was really apologetic (the issue was on their side) and I don’t blame them for it, it was one of those things that couldn’t be helped but it was still another knock back. I felt really down about it for a couple of days but I picked myself up and kept looking. No point on dwelling on what might have been.
• I have started dating. Its still early days but going well so far and I’m having fun.

While all of this has been going on I’ve neglected my Happiness Project and Book Club. I’m trying not to worry about that too much because it couldn’t be helped but I’m sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I want to continue. This blog has given me the opportunity to express myself in a way that I never could before. Through this site and Twitter I have realised that I’m not some weird freaky outcast, I’m just one of the 1 in 4 people who have a mental health condition and that’s okay. I have made some wonderful friends and I wouldn’t be at this point without their help and support. But on the flip side this blog has caused me to create pressure and guilt for myself. Pressure to post so often or so many times a week/month. Guilt when I miss a self imposed deadline.

So what can I do? My Happiness Project in particular has made me feel that I’m not doing enough or posting on time. This defeats the object, it’s called a Happiness Project for a reason. So I’m just going to admit that right here, right now, it’s not working for me. So I’m going to scrap it and continue working on my bucket list instead. I’ve made good progress there and the fact that I am now regularly going to concerts (at a certain venue, where I can choose and book the seating and I know I can handle the crowds. Little steps!) and starting to go to the cinema again, shows me just how far I have come. Restaurants don’t make me nervous anywhere near as much as they used to and I am so much more confident in my ability to cope with situations that can trigger my anxiety. I feel like I’m finally started to live a “normal life” and I want to push and challenge myself more and more. So I’m going to do that and I’m taking a step back from the blog and twitter.

I’ll still be posting here but it will be more on an “as and when” basis. I’ll be posting when I have something to write about, no more pressure to post on certain dates or so many times a week/month. I’ll still be around catching up with your blogs and I can always be contacted on Twitter. I’ll be spending less time on Twitter too but I’ll check in every so often and if you DM me I promise to reply when I can.

Book club fizzled out during February for several reasons but it will be back in April! Myself, Alex and Rose have an exciting opportunity for anyone who wants to join in with Book Club next month, more details about that coming soon!

I think that just about wraps everything up… So thank you for reading my ramble and I hope everyone understands why I am taking a step back.

Take care,

Hayley x

Happiness Project: January

Happy New Year! December was the first full month of my Happiness Project and I think it went pretty well. My resolutions for December were:

• Give thanks. I kept a gratitude journal throughout December. Admittedly sometimes my posts were late or I did a few days together but December is a busy month!
• Notice the little things. This also tied in with my gratitude journal. Looking back through the posts I think that keeping a gratitude journal helped me notice the little things we take for granted, as well as the bigger things.
• Give something back. I wanted to do something charitable as Christmas is the season of good will! I bought a few toys for my local toy appeal, which gives toys to children who are in care or live in poverty and otherwise wouldn’t get anything for Christmas. Its just a small thing but knowing it would make a big difference for those children made me feel good. I’ve attached a photo below as proof =)
• Get into the spirit. I think I did okay Christmas spirit wise but I’ll try to improve next year

January is the month of new beginnings so I’ve decided to focus on Attitude, particularly energy. Ironically I felt anything but energetic when I woke up at 6:45am this morning, having had less than 5 hours sleep and couldn’t dose off again! In the end I got up for a couple of hours then had a mid-morning nap and woke up feeling a lot better. My resolutions may sound a bit silly but I hope they’ll work. This month I am going to:

• Sing in the shower. Don’t laugh! I love showers and I love singing when other people can’t hear me, so this makes sense to me. Now I just need to think of some energetic songs to sing… Eye of the Tiger from Rocky?
• Act more energetic. Even when I don’t feel like it! Act the way I want to feel right?
• Smile and laugh out loud. This ties in with acting more energetic, I’m going to make an effort to smile more this month!
• Be generous with thanks and praise. I think that making other people feel good too is important. Also making other people feel good normally makes me feel good too so its a double win.

Now if you’ll excuse, I’m going in the shower =P

Take care,

Hayley x

Realistic or coward?

Today’s post may be quite long, sorry about that! A lot has been going on and I’m hoping that getting it down on here will help me sort out my head and get a better perspective. I’ve been thinking about moving away from home as a live in nanny and I contacted a couple of families asking for more information. I got a reply from a family living nearly 3 hours drive away and it sounded really good, the salary was very attractive and they live near a huge city, so plenty to do in my spare time. I spoke to my family about it and sent a reply back saying I would like to talk to them some more about the job. I was super excited at first but then it sort of hit me:

• I would be far away from home
• I wouldn’t know anyone apart from the family I’d be working for
• Its near a huge city but I would be living on a working farm in a very rural location
• I would be over 100 miles away from my family/friends
• I would have no support system
• Have I lost my mind?!

I spent most of the night wide awake on the verge of a panic attack. I looked at it from every angle. Realistically I know its too far, too big a challenge. I would never manage it. It could completely destroy all the progress I have made on my MH this year. I am going to turn it down, I know that for me its the right thing to do but still I feel an ache at passing up the opportunity. I wish I was in a strong enough place to do it. I wish I was normal, hah I haven’t been normal for 10 years! But there’s no point dwelling and wishing and cursing my anxiety, its part of who I am and I have to accept that. I have come to accept it over the years but when something like this comes up it still stings. I spoke to my brother about it this morning and he said I shouldn’t hold myself back. We are polar opposites, my brother is so laid back and would happily leave the house with nothing but a rucksack and travel around the world. I wish I could be like him but I’m not and that’s that.

While I was not sleeping last night I also thought about why I had looked into moving away. Simple, there was nothing around here and this exact moment and I wanted to prove a point to Boss. I wanted to show her that I didn’t have to put up with her sh*t, that I could get a job elsewhere. I have been really down about my job situation lately but is this really the answer? Are my motives all wrong? I suspect the answer is yes. I should be looking for something that would suit me, something that would help me further reduce my anxiety. Instead I nearly risked my health and put myself in a potentially damaging situation, why? To prove a point. To get one up on my boss. What the hell was I thinking?!

The words self care come to mind. I said several months ago that I was going to try really hard with self care and lately I haven’t at all. I’m drawing a line, I need to look after myself. So I’m forgetting about moving away, forgetting about proving a point to Boss. I’m going to keep looking for more work but I’m not going to grab the first available thing just because I can. Its not worth it. I’ve applied for a couple of things locally and hopefully more work will become available in the New Year. I might feel like a bit of a coward now but I know I’m doing the sensible thing…

Aren’t I?

Any advice welcome.

Hayley x

Time to move on?

I have been trying to write this post for the last few days but my brain doesn’t want to comply. I keep getting stuck on how to word something or how to explain how I’m feeling. I’ve decided I don’t care any more as long as I manage to get something down in writing, so sorry if this post sounds muddled. Its because my head is muddled. The situation with my job is really getting me down. (If you missed it the post is here) I have been looking for another job as a nanny/babysitter in my local area but there is nothing at all. I’ve started looking into moving away as a live in nanny. The idea scares me but maybe that’s a good thing? I feel trapped right now, stifled. Maybe a fresh start in a new exciting place is exactly what I need or maybe it would be a complete disaster. I don’t know but I never will know unless I try right?

Sorry this is all I can manage right now. I’ll write again when I sort some more of my thoughts out.

Take care,

Hayley x

Stronger Together

Last night I couldn’t sleep so I was lying in bed flicking through blog posts on my phone. I decided to go back to February/March and look at some of my early blog posts. A lot has changed since then, I feel like I’m almost a different person! There’s one thing that hasn’t changed though, the more posts I read the more obvious it became. Even in the early days I was given a lot of support from people I didn’t know, both on the blog and on Twitter. These people were strangers and in some cases, thousands of miles away but as I flicked through the blog posts there they were! They were with me through the good days and the bad days and although I still haven’t met any of them, I’m proud to call them friends. There’s too many people to list but you know who you are!

So why the support? Why have I been given more support online from these wonderful people I’ve never met than from my own family? Its simple. We understand each other. We are all going through the same kind of battles every day, so we don’t need to explain ourselves to each other, we just get it. My family will never understand on that kind of level because they haven’t experienced MH conditions themselves. Even though I feel so lonely and isolated in my own home with my family around me, I hope that they never understand. I don’t want them to experience this. I would rather they were safe in blissful ignorance and I remained the outcast. This is why the online MH community is so important. We get each other, we can advise and support each other. We play so many roles online, agony aunt, cheerleader, hand holder, empathiser, friend. Our community is awesome and I’m proud to be part of it!

Take care,

Hayley x

Gratitude Journal: Day 5

Today I’m struggling slightly because I’m not feeling very well and it’s been a bad day. I’ve had to look harder to find positive things but never the less, today I’m thankful for:

• My bed. I’m spending a lot of time in it today!
• My boss being understanding. Yep, I was supposed to be working tonight.

That’s all I can come up with today! What are you thankful for?

Hayley x

Gratitude Journal: Day 3

I know the day is still young but I’ve decided to write my gratitude journal now because I’m going out shortly. I’m going to meet a family and if all goes well today, I’ll start working for them. I have my fingers crossed! Today I am thankful for:

• The stars. Last night when I was coming home from babysitting it was cold, frosty and the sky was clear. I could see loads of stars really clearly! That doesn’t happen that often around here.
• Bright winter days. Today it is still very cold but very bright. There isn’t a single cloud in the sky!
• Unexpected opportunities. The job opportunity with the family I am meeting today was very unexpected and it has moved quite fast. Sure I’m nervous but excited too so I’m going with the flow!

What are you thankful for today?

Hayley x

Gratitude Journal: Day 2

Today I went into town shopping and it ended up giving me a lot to think about. In the shopping centre an old man collapsed with what looked like a heart attack. He was on the floor clutching his chest and his wife was screaming. The security team rushed to his aid and an ambulance was called. I couldn’t do anything, so I moved on rather than stand there staring. I really hope he was ok, don’t suppose I’ll ever find out. With that in mind, today I am thankful for:

• My health. If you take my anxiety out of the picture I’m in good health. At least anxiety isn’t life threatening.
• Modern medicine. It can do a lot these days.
• On a more cheerful note, I’m thankful for my local coffee shop. It does great coffee, isn’t a chain brand and has a lovely atmosphere. I like going there!

What are you thankful for today?

Hayley x

Happiness Project: December

December already?! I know people say it all the time but it feels like this year has flown by! Now I’m onto the first whole month of my Happiness Project. Seeing as I started on my birthday, I only had 15 days in November to complete my resolutions, which were:

• Declutter. I am going to go through my room, my drawers, my wardrobe and get rid of anything thats broken, doesn’t fit or that I don’t use. There’s something very satisfying about decluttering!
• Organise. Everything that I keep will be sorted and organised. Day to day life is so much easier when you can find things!
• Refresh room. My room was redecorated a couple of years ago, there is nothing wrong with it but I think a new quilt cover and a couple of new photo frames would freshen it up. I spend a lot of time in my room, so I might as well make it a nice place to be.

Tick, tick and tick again =) If you missed it in my earlier post, here is the awesome poster I bought which now has pride of place on my bedroom wall.

Moving on, my focus for December is Gratitude. Seems pretty appropriate as it is the same month as Christmas and New Year. I want to remind myself that I have a lot to be thankful for, yes my anxiety makes life difficult but I am more than a mental health condition! I have friends, family, a warm home, a job and hobbies. This month I want to focus on the positives! My resolutions for December are:

• Give thanks. I am going to keep a kind of gratitude journal throughout December. I will write a post each day with a little update and a few things I am thankful for.
• Notice the little things. This also ties in with my gratitude journal. We often overlook the little everyday things!
• Give something back. I want to do something charitable, after all Christmas is the season of good will! I have a few ideas…
• Get into the spirit. I’m going to make an extra effort to be festive and enjoy Christmas and New Year!

Those are my resolutions, can’t wait to get started!

Take care,

Hayley x